The Day After Election Day 2020

The Day After Election Day and I can see how I've progressed. I'm not in a completely new mindset but I can see the shift.

I’m taking it as a sign that I’m making progress. Normally during an election, especially one like this past one, I would be angst-ridden and woe-is-meing all over the place, but this time around I’m calmer. For instance, I filled out my absentee ballot but wasn’t thinking and started to write the wrong date on it. Knowing how one side is only about counting a limited number of ballots and willing to throw everything away on a little mistake, I was worried there for a while, but didn't have the energy to call and figure out what to do next. As the weeks went on I sort of just mellowed out about it. I eventually went ahead and crossed it out, put my initials by it, and sent it in, and verified that it was counted.

Then, on election day, I would have stayed up most of the night looking at returns coming in and getting all worried and the like, but I went to bed at 8:30. Woke up around 11:30 checked my phone to see if it had been called and then went back to bed. No real stress or worry.

At the time I’m writing this I think the Senate is still going to be in the hands of Mitch McConnell and that is the source of the angst now. If I let it, I would end up using that as a gateway to get all deep and existential and end up down at the bottom of the hole. Right now, I’m boarding on indifferent. I realize that I can’t change what is happening and it is out of my hands. The swirling mass of thoughts is swirling, and I’ve caught myself asking the Universe and the Divine why this is happening. Why are people who are only out to serve themselves under the guise of serving others get millions of people to ignore the suffering of others and continue that march towards me-me-me!

Why are people like me invisible and treated the way we are? In my old mindset where God allowed all things to happen, I would be so angry at the fact that people are crying out for help and he/she turns their back on them and lets the suffering continue and bad people stay in power. Last night and today I’m not in that mode. I may still not understand this new thinking I’m in, but I’m not ready to put the ownness on it/them/he/she. I think, if I’m being honest, I’m a bit cynical and don’t believe them or any angels really act in that way or ever did. I don’t know and they aren’t forthcoming. In fact, if there is any emotion that is high, and I can name then I would say that is it. I’m frustrated, dismissive, and resigned when it comes to higher powers (Divine/Universe/Angels). The image I have of them is that they do a lot of double talk, doublespeak, double meaning, and are never clear when you ask for advice or help and as a result, we end up like this.

Now, that does sound like a bit of that old bitterness and angst coming back, but I also know that it’s not that way all the time, so there may be things involved in all this that I don’t understand. I don’t know what I don’t know, and it is confusing and warped that there is some sort of greater good in all of this. Being ignored, invisible, and having money and self-service win out over treating people like you want to be treated…it doesn’t make any rational sense, but, as they say, hold out hope.

I’ve decided to not engage in that right now. I have hope that The Powers That Be know what they are doing and will see the right thing come to pass, but I’m too tired, too numb, too drained to put anything more into it so I’m moving on and focusing on me.

I’m sure at some point today I will end up talking about it. In fact, I reached out to a friend of mine to see how he was doing. He, like me, is gay and has a husband and a family. His response was, “I’m great. Disappointed but happy to be surrounded every day by my wonderful family.” I’m guessing he too is trying to find a message and silver lining out of all this.

I told him, I went to bed at 8:30 (had taken some sleeping pills and several puffs of the “Devil’s Lettuce” so I was tired. I responded, “Yes. Been weird about the whole thing. Somewhat detached and indifferent. I did what I could. I can’t change it or do anything more. I have to hope that love wins out and if it doesn’t then have to keep myself grounded and centered in that and not get thrown off.” Again, trying to find hope, a message, and a silver lining in all this.

I can’t do anything more. I can’t understand why? The universe/divine/angels aren’t forthcoming. I know I matter even if others claim I don’t. It is not a completely balanced position, but I wish the universe gave instant karma and give those who voted knowing that protections for those who are not like them could be stripped away or to maintain their own position of power would be shown swiftly and quickly the error of their ways.

But, as I said, that is the old way of thinking. I need to release that and focus on me and hope all things win out in the end.

This change of thinking is a long time in coming. I’m not used to it. In the past, I would turn away from this and go with the tried and true feelings that I was so use to because they have been with me for so long. Today, after election day 2020, and while votes are still being counted, I am making a conscious choice to do what I normally wouldn’t do and that is to let these feelings come and go throughout the day instead of wallowing in them, and keep myself focused on my goals, my dreams, my success, and finding happiness and abundance for me. My odd little brain chuckled and joked that maybe it will act as a spark that would unite the world.

The song, This Little Light of Mine, popped in my head. Maybe that is what’s needed. Then someone will see it, seek refuge, add their light to mine, and we grow and grow and grow and reveal the world around us and help others see themselves for who they really are and invite them to change.

Man, I have come a long way and I am changing!