Sexcapades #1 - "Wade"

Warning: This blog post contains explicit language and intended for those over the age of 18 and who wish to view material like this.

Warning: This blog post contains explicit language and intended for those over the age of 18 and who wish to view material like this.

I had sex.

Now, I realize saying it that way makes it sound like I’m pathetic and pitiful and don’t get any, it’s just that it has been a while.

Now we will call him, “Wade." He and I vibe and been playing for a while and he FINALLY stopped standing me up.

We will stop here and lay down these facts and revisit them another time:

1. I’m just now telling you I’m gay, even though we really don’t know each other yet and at the time I’m writing this, no one is even reading my page. I guess I’m just doing it for future followers who are insistent on reading in order and not following the tricky way my brain works.

2. Sex is a coping mechanism for me. It’s how I deal with depression. It’s not something I am proud of but it’s not something I am ashamed of either. I’m still trying to work through all that and figure it out (more to come).

As I mentioned, we vibe, but we don’t vibe well. Case in point; after standing me up a couple of times and talking a good game via text, he goes silent when it comes to the act. Now, I’m not one of those who needs sex to sound like a porno, but I need some feedback. He was one of those who comes across as very thirsty, doesn't take no for an answer then gets here and goes all silent and becomes dickmatized, but can’t be bothered to moan or say anything. Then, as with all of the guys I’m with, he cums before me.

Now, I am humble in real life, but if how long it took me to get him was any indication, there is a chance, that he couldn’t wait, but after all the talk of unloading on his face and such, he came, and then that was it.

In the end, it is fine. I feel like a lot of times when I’m with guys like him it's more of a service to them than it is to me (that’s another rabbit hole to explore at a later date). I often feel like I’m giving them their fantasy. I’m well aware that it doesn’t do much for my psyche, but it is what it is. I’m at the place where I am, and, trust me, I’m better off now than where I was!

I don't know if he’s straight, questioning, or not out yet. I don’t fault anyone for that. That has been me, but the guilt usually sets in once he leaves and he will send me a message asking if I’m still clean. Yes! I am. I’m on Prep and get tested every three months. Besides, with Covid I haven’t done much of anything lately.

I know where the question is coming from and, I sincerely don’t fault him for feeling the way he feels. I was straight, bi, questioning, not out yet, and then racked with guilt after Sex. I remember I would seek reassurances from a friend who once worked an AIDS hotline every time I had sex in college.

Now, my position here is not that we should be better off than we are as a gay community. Nor am I saying we shouldn’t be asking about this sort of stuff, or shame anyone for what they believe. This is a self-assessment for me and when I get that I don’t go to, “oh he’s asking from his position and his viewpoint.” I ask if it is because I’m black.

I’m well aware of that and what it means and know that isn’t the way to be, but I’m just starting this journey and not at the point where I can control all my thoughts and shut them off and out. The best I can do is to become aware of them, try to pull them out and analyze them, and put them on the shelf for future examination. Which is what this entry is for.

I barely got a webpage up and only now starting to post content. I don’t feel I have the luxury to stop and \offer up an in-depth analysis of my mind especially when I am trying to figure out what my mind is made of, how it is wired, and what I can do to wire it to the specifications that I want.

The good news is that now that he has met up, his guilt will keep him away for a while. I won’t have to hear his thirsting and I could say I had a little fun. I’ll go in and “take care of things” later, for the time being, I just need to say I did. Acknowledge that it’s not healthy but was just a distraction and focus on moving forward. One of these days I’ll finally learn that 1) I don’t need to waste a libido pill on him, 2) Save my energy, 3) Listen to yourself and if you don't want to do it, don't do it, 4) Find someone who gives you pleasure.

- Invisible Man

Written on 10/28; Posted 10/30/20